How to tell your parents your gay
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Introductions can be made later, or if they already have met your partner, you can tell them his or her significance at a later date.
When Coming Out to Parents, Have a Plan
It's wise to plan out what you are going to say. Think of it as training: over time, your parents will learn what’s acceptable and what’s not.
Finally, recognize that setting boundaries is an act of self-respect, not selfishness.
If your parents struggle to adapt, remind them that your relationship can only grow if both parties feel safe and valued. Give them time to cope with the news their own way. Include anecdotes or moments that led you to this realization, but keep it concise. Offer resources like books or support groups for parents of LGBTQ+ individuals to help them understand your perspective.
If not, you may need to take a little more time.
Okay, I’m ready. Will you be able to support yourself if needed? Now what?
This revelation will have a great impact on your life and it's important to consider the possible negative consequences of coming out.
Will you be physically safe?
Keep in mind that your parents are in a different place than you on this path.
- You’ve been thinking about this for a while, but it may be a surprise to your parents.
Ask them to play the role of your parent, throwing in potential reactions—shock, silence, or even tears. Knowing when you’re ready is subjective because it starts with how confident and comfortable you are in your sexuality. It presents information and guidance to parents in manageable segments that can help them learn more and find their new balance.
A parent who initially responds with silence or tears might later come around after reflecting on their love for you and their desire to understand your experience. You may even use this as an opportunity to open a dialogue regarding your own belief system, should it be different from theirs.
Some parents may suggest therapy in order to 'cure' you of being gay.
I’ll share them.”
Your parent is angry, upset or condemning.
Reassure, set a boundary, or end the conversation.
- “I know you’re worried/angry, but I still love you.”
- “I’m still the same kid you’ve always known.”
- “I need your help.”
- “I hope you will always love and accept me for who I am.”
- “I hope you change your mind.”
- “I know you’re angry, I don’t want to keep fighting.”
- “‘I’m leaving, but I will be back for dinner.”
- “I need to step away from this conversation now, but we can come back to it later.”
- “I’m going take a break/I need to stop for now.”
It may be helpful to know many initial reactions stem from fear and misinformation – fear of what you will face in society, fear they may have done something wrong as a parent, fear of what others will think of them or you, as well as the enormous amount of misinformation around LGBTQ.
You may not be able to answer all their questions, and you also deserve to preserve some privacy about your feelings and activities.
Public places, even if calm, may make your parent feel exposed or pressured to mask their initial reactions. Notice where your voice wavers or your words stumble; these are the spots that need reinforcement. Children fear rejection, so being nervous about this is very common -- and almost expected. If they react poorly, remind yourself that their initial response may not reflect their long-term feelings.
Yes, anticipate questions and be ready to explain your feelings in a way they can understand.
If they seem open, you may be able to share resources quickly, or you may want to wait till later when things cool down, or even share a “drip campaign” of resources over time.
There are several excellent resources for you and for parents, but their approaches vary greatly. For instance, "I feel hurt when my identity is questioned, and I need you to acknowledge that this is a permanent part of who I am." This approach invites dialogue rather than defensiveness.
Some may respond with immediate acceptance, while others might express shock, confusion, or even anger. Some of the best are quite political and may not be the best first step. It might also be helpful to talk to others who have gone through the process before, so you can get some insights and possibly advice on the dos and don'ts of coming out to parents.
If your parents ask if you are gay, that may be an appropriate time to speak to them.
Start by identifying your non-negotiables: What behaviors or language are unacceptable to you?